I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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