I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
high people should be assigned attendants
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
