im holly from the hills drunk
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
