we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
