I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
