youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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