So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
