my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
