Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I want a musical about memes.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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