I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
