Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
