oh god the rape fog is back!
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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