working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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