I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
We're too hungover to prance.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
