i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
