Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
