I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
