She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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