i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
