I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize