Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
