i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
