A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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