remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize