I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
