i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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