I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
