TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
