the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
