I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
