Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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