these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I did not marry a roomba.
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