i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
