Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize