The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize