What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
