I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize