I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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