My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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