So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
