I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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