wanna go halves on a baby?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize