You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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