dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
