I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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