stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
