someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize