I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
