Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
We smell like vodka and hangover
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