On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize