Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
