He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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