I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
