I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize