How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
