just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
