I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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