Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
