then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
