I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
