shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
