my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He shit in the fireplace
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
