the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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