I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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