I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
